So good to be back :-)

Well that was a far longer break than I expected or wanted from here!  A combination of sick children, Christmas, moving house and a broken lap top all stood in the way of any type of writing from me.

We are now (almost) settled into our new home, I have a working lap top and the children are as well as they ever will be – all 3 have colds and 2 are teething but I can cope with that 🙂

Once again after such a long break there is far too much to catch up on, so I just won’t even try.  This is my first post of the year so I will start afresh.  It’s time for me to start looking forward and not keep focusing on the past.

I have been feeling slightly unsettled lately, emotionally not physically, and I can’t quite put my finger on the reason for this.  I’m not sure if it’s just the change I am seeing in my children.  Tabitha is growing fast now, almost six months.  At this point with the boys we had just started to introduce solid food into their diets, but with Tabitha I aren’t even starting to think about doing that yet.  To me she is still my little newborn!  I’m trying my hardest to let go of those feelings, I know she must grow, it’s a physical impossibility that a baby will be a baby forever, but that doesn’t make it any less hard.  At the moment though despite her age I know that Tabitha isn’t ready for any solid food, she can’t sit and she still has the tongue reflex to push things away.  This doesn’t stop people looking at me like I’m crazy when I say her age but we aren’t starting weaning yet.  But really, what is the rush?  Peoples favourite topic at the moment seems to be when I will give her food! Why does everyone feel the need to rush babies into eating?  If there was something wrong and the baby wasn’t growing or gaining weight then I can understand it but if you could see Tabitha you would see that is not the case!  She’s happy, I’m happy, why is the outside world not happy?  I aren’t saying that I want to keep her on just breast milk forever, but if we get to seven or eight months and haven’t started weaning, is it really the end of the world?!

I am doing what I feel is best and that is following my baby girl’s lead.  People out there can keep judging me as much as they want but I know my children best 🙂

There’s nothing…

There’s nothing better in the world than listening to your children laugh and play

Amazing Changes

Every day my children amaze me.  They are growing up so quickly, and the changes that are taking place are phenomenal.  Small changes, so small that you might not even notice them, but when put together means the difference between newborn and infant, infant and toddler, and so on.

Every day I marvel at the learning capabilities of these tiny people.  They are so small, but growing into unique little characters!

Lincoln is coming on in leaps and bounds now.  He is starting to take so much more notice of what is going on around him.  He was never too interested what we as adults were doing, and would never attempt to mimic any type of behaviour.  But he will now clap his hands, wave goodbye, make sounds along to songs.  All things I genuinely couldn’t see him ever doing as he showed no interest whatsoever.  Just goes to show when you least expect something, that’s when it happens 🙂

Zachary, I think has hit the terrible two’s early!  Not that he is terrible, he’s still a lovely little boy, but he has developed the habit of the most intense high-pitched scream I have ever heard, and it’s not really a scream for anything in particular.  Which I think does make it slightly harder to deal with as we have no idea what he wants.  But he still seems happy, chatty, and is very loving so I can’t complain!  He has also taken his first steps unaided, such a great moment to watch 🙂  He get’s all excited, throws his arms in the air and attempts what must seem the impossible to him, letting go!

Tabitha is growing into such a gorgeous girl.  I have to admit I feel so proud of myself that I am breastfeeding her.  I’m not saying that I’m against formula, the boys were on formula full-time from 3 weeks old.  I just mean that the fact that I can see how much and how well she’s growing, and that is from just my milk, it has given me such a sense of accomplishment.  Tabitha is taking so much more notice of us all now, and laughs at our funny faces.  She is becoming a lot more settled and is even setting her own sleep pattern now 🙂

A big change that has happened is in myself.  I never noticed at first, but I have become a big advocate for Attachment Parenting.  I love that fact that Tabitha co-sleeps and is worn in the sling.  I love breastfeeding her, which is a massive surprise to me as if you had asked me in the first few weeks you would not have got that response!  I love breastfeeding so much that I hope to become a Breastfeeding Peer Support Worker.  I want to be able to help all mums feel this way and experience the most amazing bond there is.  So next year I’ll be applying to go on the course, and I can start another great journey.

And the worst mummy award goes to………

I’m sat at home, the boys are fast asleep in bed, Chris is cuddling a sleepy Tabitha, but I’m sat crying my eyes out, still traumatised by the last half an hour.  I can barely see the keyboard to type I have that many tears in my eyes 😦

Every 3 or 4 days we try to give Tabitha a bottle of expressed milk, this has been happening since she was about two weeks old.  We started doing this so she could get used to having a bottle, for when the time comes that someone is looking after her.  Tabitha was fine at first, took to having a bottle no problems, but for the last couple of weeks it is awful trying to get her to take it.  She now screams the house down and it is heartbreaking to go through.  She does eventually drink, but I don’t think that going through this process is worth the outcome.  I just want to give up and leave her alone, but I can’t 😦

Last year Chris bought me Theatre tickets for Christmas to see Priscilla.  I was so excited, couldn’t wait to see my favourite show! I am now dreading the fact that it is only 2 weeks away and I will have to leave Tabitha.  Not only do I not feel ready to be anywhere away from her, I have been at her side 24 hours a day for the past 3 months.  When other people hold her even for a short time it feels like a part of me is missing, like I have lost an arm!  But the main problem is feeding her.  I can’t bare to go through all of this pain and upset she seems to be suffering just so I can have a night out.  I feel like the most selfish person in the world.  How can I put myself before my baby.  I know I wanted to go to Theatre, and the tickets were booked when I knew I was pregnant so I knew I would need to leave my baby with someone, but I had no idea that I would feel like this or that her taking a bottle would be such an issue.

I’ve calmed down a lot now, no more tears thankfully, but now my mind is working overtime.  What on earth am I doing?!  I must be an awful person for trying to force a bottle upon my baby who clearly doesn’t want it.  I chose to breastfeed her and I must be thankful that it is going so well that she no longer wants any other type of feeding.

Tabitha is fast asleep now, as if nothing happened, but I can’t stop thinking about it 😦

Going back to basics

Well it has now been over 1 week since I took over three quarters of the boys toys away and gave up on watching television while they are awake.  Before anyone thinks it, this isn’t any type of punishment.  My boys are only 14 months old bless them 🙂

The toys have been taken away because my house was becoming ridiculous with the amount of things they have.  My living room looked like a Toys ‘R’ Us bomb had exploded in there.  The main problem though was not that there was a mess, that’s what I expect from having 3 children, no, the problem was that both of the boys were getting too over-stimulated and becoming really stressed with everything.  They were getting aggravated, unhappy, having major meltdowns and Zachary was becoming a bit violent throwing his toys around.  He was starting to worry me 😦

So I thought the best thing to do would be to nip this in the bud and have a good old clear out.  All of the loud, all-singing-all-dancing, flashing lights toys have been moved out of sight.  When they were all going off at once it’s no wonder the boys were becoming stressed.  They stressed me out!  I couldn’t think straight, couldn’t concentrate on anything with all of that noise so I have no doubt that that situation was no good for the children.

I was also thinking that the reason we have bought all of these things is to help teach our children various things, the alphabet, numbers, colours, we even have toys that are programed to say the boys names!  But what is so wrong with parents teaching children all of this?  Surely it is mine and Chris’s responsibility as parents to teach our children when they are ready, not leave it up to a piece of brightly coloured plastic.

So the toys are gone and now we’re just concentrating on playing, not being sung at repeatedly. They still have a lot left, building blocks, wooden trains, push along cars, and various sensory toys, basically everything a toddler of 14 months would ever need.

I’ve come to realise that just because a toys packaging says that it is suitable from 6months, 12months etc, this doesn’t mean that a child this age needs these things.  I’m learning that all they need is a fun relaxed environment and a parents attention and nurturing.

Because of the change that has been implemented, both of the boys seem so much happier.  The tantrums which Lincoln was throwing have been drastically cut down, he is a lot calmer now. Although he still has his little meltdowns, as we all witnessed as the Sling Library today!  Zachary still likes to throw his toys over the safety gate and out of the playpen, but now it is just done for fun, not out of frustration.  Both boys just seem so much happier, there’s more laughter and less crying so I think I made a good decision.  It did take a bit to convince Chris that I’m not just being a mean mummy, but once he understood my reasoning he supported me.  Plus hed can see himself the boys are much more settled.  A calmer living environment for a calmer child 🙂

I just want to say that this is just what is working for us as a family.  I don’t want to come across as though I think this is how all households should be.  I know a lot of parents who swear that T.V is a magic solution for keeping the kids entertained, and that is great if that’s what works for them 🙂

The Evil that is Colic

To any parent out there who has a baby which is suffering from of has suffered from Colic, you have my complete sympathy.

Tabitha spends a lot of time crying from Colic and Gas pain, but last night was definitely the worst night so far 😦  Her screams were horrendous, she must have been in so much pain 😦  She finally settled after about two hours of solid screaming, slept calmly in her bouncy chair, like the pain was just a distant memory, but I remembered it for most of the night.

I really don’t know what to do for her when she get’s like that, I feel useless as a parent.  I should be able to do more for her, instead all I can do is cuddle and hold her, and rub her sore tummy until she calms down.  Because I breastfeed I’ve tried to cut a lot of things from my diet to see if this helps, I no longer eat Dairy, Soya, Wheat, Gluten, Orange juice.  Plus she is now on Colief and Infacol.  Anything is worth a try.  Unfortunately nothing seems to be working.  At one point things did seem to be getting better, but it didn’t last long.

I worry that breastfeeding is somehow making her worse, that I’m being cruel doing it if it really is something from my diet.  At the same time I know how good breast milk is for her, every study ever done shows that breast milk is best, surely formula couldn’t take this pain away, could it?  It’s a big worry I have that I’ve made the wrong choice, I just have to try and not doubt myself.  Everything I ever choose to do is all for the benefit of my children, I just need to believe in this a bit more.

Now I’m just waiting for the magic 3-4 months to see if she grows out of this.  I’m hoping and praying that things start to improve for her soon, but at the minute I can’t see that light at the end of the tunnel.

All mummy’s should be issued with a magic wand when their babies are born, so we can make everything better for them.  I would do anything to take away her pain and would have it myself in a heartbeat.

Who is Co-sleeping actually for?

Last night Tabitha slept in her Cotbed for the first time for most of the night. I was both amazed and heartbroken at the same time.  Apart from the 3 nights in Hospital when she was born, Tabitha has spent every night in bed with Chris and I as she has never settled alone, either in her Moses Basket or in the Cot.  I’m not sure what made me try last night but I thought I would give her another go by herself and she was asleep in no time.

Tabitha’s bed is attached to ours, the side has been taken off, so her cot is basically an extension of our bed.  She slept peacefully while I laid my hand on her tummy and held her delicate hand in the palm of mine.  I slept as close as I could to the edge of my bed so our faces were barely inches apart.  We were so close that I could feel her breath on the end of my nose, but I have never felt so alone.  I’ve never experienced a feeling like it before.  I know she was absolutely fine, she must have been happy otherwise she would never have settled, but I lay there and cried myself to sleep.  It sounds awful but I just wanted her to wake up for her feed, just so she would need me again.

When she did wake up, in that moment I was so glad that I stuck with breastfeeding.  This was a task that she needed her mummy for, no-one else.  It was our special bond together and I love the fact that we have that.

I’m not sure what’s wrong with me at the moment, whether it’s hormones or tiredness, but the fact that she never slept in our bed devastated me.  It’s strange as I never wanted to bed-share in the first place.  Now I’m torn what to do tonight.  Maybe it was just a fluke she slept and she still needs to co-sleep, I guess I’ll find out later.

It got me thinking though, if I’m that emotional over a small thing like bed-sharing, what on earth will I be like when other changes occur.  When Tabitha has her own bedroom and there are walls and doors between us?  When she no longer needs milk from me?  When she starts nursery or pre-school and we aren’t together all day?  Or even when she moves out?? When all 3 of my babies move out??  That thought pushed me over the edge last night and I was back to silently crying (I didn’t want to wake Tabitha, or Chris for that matter.  He would’ve thought I was crazy.  Luckily he doesn’t read this!)  How do people cope with their children growing up and becoming independent? I know it’s just the natural progression of things, but I still don’t want it to happen.

Last night another thought popped into my head, who is Co-sleeping actually for, the child or the parent?

Happy International Baby Wearing Week!

Yesterday I took all of my children to get weighed.  I know I don’t need to get them checked as they are all doing brilliantly, but I just like to know for sure.  When I first had the boys I used to log everything down; how many wet and dirty nappies they had each day, how many minutes they were on the breast, how many ounces they had from a bottle.  I became a bit OCD with it all, used to walk around the house with my notebook in case I missed something!  This time I am so much more relaxed, plus the boys would just try to chew any notebook I had 🙂

So anyway, back to were I was!  All 3 babies are doing fantastic, which I knew they were.  I had a discussion with the health visitor about the boys diet and afterwards I thought, who is the professional here?!  I was a bit concerned I wasn’t giving enough nutritional food and variety to the boys, and also concerned that they are so against finger food, and touching food in general.  So the HV ran through a list of foods to try which included toast, tinned spaghetti, tinned soup, baked beans. Basically tinned!  I told her the boys loved vegetables, that wasn’t a problem, and also their favourite food was cous cous with home made 5 bean (non) chilli and she looked at me like I was crazy and told me to try them on  tinned baked beans instead! 

I told her that they had stopped eating sandwiches and now just threw them on the floor.  It seems like they just don’t want to hold their food.  So she said to just give them bread as it might be the filling they don’t like or give them just white bread.  Where do these people get their training from??  I really was looking for advice but after these suggestions I think I’ll go it alone and carry on as I am.  I know that Chris and I are doing a great job, sometimes it’s just nice to get a bit of validation from a health care professional. 

After talking about the boys it was on to Tabitha. Mentioned about how she has really bad Colic and that I have gone Dairy/Wheat/Gluten/Soya free to try and help this.  She said “oh, your breast feeding?” with such a quizzical look on her face.  Like I was out of my mind for feeding my 10 week old baby the natural way.  I quickly got out of their after that!

The boys were back in their double pram and I was putting Tabitha back in her sling.  The final straw came when the HV said to Tabitha “oh are you stuck in the sling then, no pram for you?”  My blood was boiling at this point.  Tabitha loves to be in a sling, she is comfortable, close to me, I can feed her whenever I need to (as I did on the walk down to the clinic) and it settles her so well when she is crying in pain from painful gas.  I told the HV that Tabitha loves the sling and sometimes it is the only place where she will have a nap when she is really unsettled.  Her response was “well that’s why she won’t sleep on a night then”……..I think that may have been my last visit to the Health Visitor!

Happy International Baby Wearing Week! 🙂

 

My crazy little life :-)

Once again I seem to have abandoned my blog, but I promise I have a good excuse!

My baby girl Tabitha is coming up to a month old now, I love her to bits, but she is hard work!  So much so that it was easier to have twin newborns than just the one. Constant feeding and persistant crying are keeping me very busy at the minute.  Hopefully things will get better soon, but if not it’s ok.  I know this period won’t last forever, and in a strange way I don’t want it to end.  I feel eternaly grateful that I have been blessed with 3 such beautiful children, and I would take constant sleepless nights for what I have.

My boys recently celebrated their first birthday, and it was such a lovely day.  Because Tabitha was only 2 weeks old we decided not to throw a big party.  Instead we took the children to a Wildlife Park for the day.  To be honest they weren’t that interested in the animals, but it was still a lovely day to be out as a family.  Once home we had some family round to watch the boys open their presents and have some cake.  They were far more excited about unwrapping presents, something I wasn’t really expecting.  It was so lovely to watch, them having so much fun.  But in the back of my mind I still feel a bit sad that the baby stage is coming to an end and they’re growing up.

Almost time……

Well it’s now only 2 days until I’ll be 39 weeks pregnant, and 2 days until my planned C-Section. I think I must be feeling every type of emotion right now – happy, excited, scared, worried. You name it, I’m feeling it!

I am so excited that in 2 days time I will be holding my little (or not so little as the doctors think!) girl. Just thinking about those first cuddles makes my heart melt.

I worry about how my boys are going to react to having a new baby in the house. Because they’re so young they don’t understand what is happening, so I know it’s going to be hard. I’m just hoping that Chris and I can make things as easy and normal as possible for them both. I know there will be big changes to come, but I want to do all I can to keep my babies to their normal routines, so there isn’t too much upheaval for them.

The actual C-section isn’t worrying me in the slightest, I’m not sure if that is a normal reaction or not! I ended up with an emergency C-section last year with my boys, so I know what’s to come. The recovery is not going to be pleasant or easy, especially looking after two 1 year olds and a new-born, this fact is just a given. But, I know it will be OK. Just having all my babies with me is all I want and will make every single pain worth it 🙂

Roll on 2 days time …………. I want my baby girl 🙂